Finding God in the Dust

Bad news never has good timing.

Monday, June 8, 2020. We were in the midst of a global pandemic. I was 7 months pregnant and had just returned home after being hospitalized with a blood clot. My dad was undergoing further evaluation related to abnormal test results. I was struggling to shift from in-person to remote work. And there I found myself, answering an unexpected phone call from my mom at 7:00am – “Grampy Orv died last night.”

I felt shattered.

It felt like things in my life went from being whole to being reduced to dust. And I wanted God to fix it all. Repair all of my anxiety-provoking and heartbreaking realities. How could all of these bad things be happening at the same time?

It was ultimately this timing that fed my awareness and understanding that no matter how well I plan things, I can’t control them. I can’t control my life. I can’t control God.

But God had a perfect plan for my dust. He was at work in that unexpected time and place – in my brokenness, my pain, my fear, my sadness – because those are the places where hope is tested. I was looking for control, but what I found was comfort in accepting a lack of control (albeit something I still have to be intentional about to this day).

God’s plan isn’t to keep us from shattering, but to keep our souls deeply connected. If we never ached with disappointment and heartbreak, we would never fully admit and submit to our need for God.